going lesbian at 31

i am so excited over this one question that i have to scream YES YES YES YES YES DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH before i even post it. just imagine me in a flowy dress, rooftoppin it, arms up, hair whippin around, all like YES YES YES YES YES DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH into the cold city air. imagine me winning an oscar for my total dedication to the moment and then me kissing my lover (gosling probs? or maybe JGL? is there a new hottie i'm forgetting?) as i go up to accept my award. i get a standing ovation and also win best dressed because that's how clear the answer is to me, you know? i just don't think that there is any other way to answer this?! (i mean, unless you're a homophobe and then heyyooo, haters to the left) 

okay. here it is:

from anonymous gemini chick (LOLz):

i don't know if it is a problem, but maybe a conundrum and your thoughts would be most welcomed...

so i am 31 and well, i would say that i don't really have a type in reference to my romantic inclinations. all of my sig oths have been very different and bar a couple of flings, all boys.

however i have recently met a girl (a lesbian, let it be noted. not hitting head off brick wall here...as yet) that i am actually crushing harder on than any boy i have met in the recent past.

 so i guess i am looking for a bit of bi-solidarity here... it is ok to want to pursue my first relationship with a girl at 31 when most people are thinking of sheding anything off the beaten path and going on the road more traveled and getting orthodox with their lives, right?!

Also, for a little clarity- guys like the chase girls, do all of these rules apply for girls chasing girls? can i just be upfront and say hey- let's go out on a date? and let the cards fall where they may?

Dish the tips.

xx

so let me repeat myself. YES YES YES YES YES DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH. of course i recommend going for it!! and yes, i will back you up in pursuing your first girl love relay. and pahlease, 31 is so young! don't you play that age card. if this question came in from a 41, or 61, or 71 or 81 year old my answer would still be an emphatic YES YES YES YES YES DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH. (ok i think at this point i just like typing that out. like a typing meditation. new concept? and oh look at that.. COPYRIGHTED) this is the life we got! the only one! do it do it do it! this is such an explosive you'd-totally-regret-not-goin-for-it move, you know? (note: most things actually are but this one is def of the epic variety).

but i get it, there's this societal pressure. there's always this pressure. we all feel it. it exists in the ether making us doubtful, fearful, ashamed or probs all three. no one is immune to this, not even your trusty advice columnist! you see, for the past two years i've worked with kids nannying, babysitting and preschool subbing as my day job. i totally fucking love it. the kids are awesome, the parents i work with rule and i get paid pretty well. my days are spent in playgrounds and parks. i build lego sets, play board games and draw pictures of aliens. i get to hug and kiss the sweetest little faces and be told that i am their best friend in the cutest voices ever you just want to JUMP OUT A FUCKING WINDOW.  but no matter how much i love it, there is that damn voice telling me that this is wrong, that i should be doing more, i'm 28 for christ's sake, i went to college, dammit!! this is that societal pressure voice just running his mouth being a dick. this is what that voice does. it is made to be the dickness.

i worked in advertising for almost four years before nannying. it was a 'real job' that used my 'college degree' and guess what, i hated it hated it hated it. i hated waking up in the morn, was so stressed and sad all the time and would cry at my desk whenever e-mails would come in. (i was an exec assistant - emails always came in). that's the beaten path right there. thank god it took me only four years to know that the beaten path is ugly and muddy and i don't want to walk it not in these shoes. that doesn't mean the societal pressure voice doesn't still pop up and spew his dickness all over my parade, but now i just let him talk, say "thank you for your input, dick :P" and then kindly remind myself how happy i am waking up in the mornings now and how when i walk into work i am greeted by cute little dudes giving me hugs (not creepy don't arrest me), not an angry boss yelling about some bs i could honestly give two shits about.

so that was a long and probably unnecessary ramble to basically say YES YES YES YES YES DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH. also, probably boring to the people who came here wanting me to just talk about leeeeeeeesssssssbbbbiaaaans. y'all got tricked, suckasz. 

(lemme also say that the 'beaten path' does work for some! there ain't nothing wrong with going the road mostly traveled if it's the road you want to go! it's the pressure to conform and the guilt associated with not going down that road that i'm all like oh hell no to, but y'all knew this)

now, re: pursuing her. god, you're getting me at a point in my life, you know? i'm just so over any sort of games and that applies to straight, bi, gay, whatever and regardless, i honestly don't really think it matters all too much anyway. i read somewhere once that all good relationships start out either really easy and almost carelessly or they start haphazardly with a lot of twists and turns which you then look back on and re-frame as charming. so just do the 'follow your heart' thing. be honest and ballsy and own it! it's a better way to live in general than being sly, sneaky and manipulative, yeah? if it doesn't work out, at least you were true to you. i know that seems like a shitty, new agey, blahblah consolation prize but it's one of those weird things where in fact it is the MOST AWESOME PRIZE that doubles and triples and quadruples in self-esteem size that it's not even consolation anymore but a real deal first rate thing, you know??

another thing about dating - just know that the only thing that is needed is that elusive mix of chemistry and timing. we all know chemistry. it's that thing that exists outside of people, in between them, almost like a third entity in the room. you can't fake it (or i have no idea why anyone would want to..) it's there or it's not and you have no control over whether it is. if it is there then you just gotta see if the timing is, too. if you're both looking for the same thing at the same time or are willing to eff around for a little before you are. that's out of your control, too! omg, fuck! so with those two big dealies out of your control, what can you do? well, for starters, yes - you can totally ask her out on a date and let those chips fall! let them rain down! how it progresses afterwards is for the universe, you know?, but you can def get the ball rolling. go for it! you got this! go lesbian at 31! i love you! lemme know how it goes?!

bringing people together since a week ago,

danielle

how to get over someone

no time for fancy intros tonight! this is a big one! also, i got two episodes of jersey shore and one project runway to catch up on! (i know.) let's get right down to it:

Dear WYP,

Cool blog. Love the advice. Need some of my own. Here goes: Earlier this year, I made out with one of my oldest friends. A couple of days later, we both admitted to having long-term crushes on each other, then things moved really quickly. We ended up dating for seven months, long distance, and things were great (no fights, no issues, lots of laughs, great sex) until he pulled the plug. He decided he doesn't want to be in a relationship and needs to work on some things. We don't really talk now, which is ok because he's far away but not ok because I do eventually want to be friends again. The problem is, I still have feelings for him. How do I fast-track getting over someone?

FML

hi FML! what a pretty name. i hope it doesn't stand for what i think it stands for (duh of course it does) because we here at WYP headquarters don't believe in such nonsense. we don't fuck lives over here, no matter how sucky a situation may be so let's get that straight, ok? your life shan't be fucked! also, lemme just say hey now! good on you to start off with the compliments!! my readers sure know what i like to hear.

anyway, sad face, i'm sorry! this is a situation most people with hearts (aka most people in general) (not sociopaths) (or total assholes) have been through. we've all been in the place where we just want to stop liking the person we're liking! the like is not serving us anymore and we just want to get it the f over! why is it so haawwdd?? (my long island accent comes out when i emote). i have personally been here many, many, many times befaw thas for damn shaw! (ahh ok, AND ENDS).

so from your point of view there were no issues or fights. i'll just put it out there and try to say as lovingly as possible that this is probably a romanticized version of what went down. maybe you're glossing over some things in your memories (we all do this - it protects us! it's okay until it's not okay anymore, you know?) or maybe this dude didn't let you in until it was too late. the distance may have made it easier for him to do this. regardless, there was probably something goin down, right? i mean, hence the breakup.

i'm just trying to gently break any denial and maybe knock this relationship off of this 'but-it-was-perfect!'-pedestal. denial-breaking and romanticize-smashing are key to moving on. no matter what though, you are here now and you didn't ask my opinion on that noise. you just want to know how to get over him, and that's what i'll try to focus on.

ok. so i occasionally sub in at this little preschool here in brooklyn. it's adorable, tiring and fun and although i'm getting paid to watch and play with and teach these little scrap-a-muffin kids, i usually end up learning something as well (cue music, cheesy smile, side glance and wink at camera). the lesson a couple weeks ago came in the form of this book called "we're going on a bear hunt." i think it's like... a classic? but i had never read it until i read it there and it's all like, this family talking about going on a bear hunt? they never get into the why of it all, but regardless, they just keep getting caught in things like, grass or a river or something and they keep repeating this one part over and over and over again - "we can't go over it, we can't go under it, we've got to go through it!" and i think you know where this is going! my dear reader there is no way around this - the fastest way to get over someone is to just go fucking through it.

first, you must accept honestly where you are. you got broken up with and that sucks. it's okay that this sucks! this is the prototype of a 'this sucks!' situation. this is a dude you had a long-time crush on and then you made out with him. that alone is insanely exciting. then he said the same things back to you and you started dating! wtffff, you know? that's some dreams coming true bs. and to top it all off, from your pov of the whole sitch, things were going along swimmingly until it all of a sudden wasn't and now you're here with a confused and broken heart in your hands all like, wait motherfucker what??

so, accept this and then let yourself grieve this! you just went on a seven month emotional roller-coaster. please don't judge how you feel. let yourself feel it all without beating yourself up over it or telling yourself you should really be feeling this or that. just feel what comes for however long it comes. be sad, lonely, angry, confused, rejected, hurt, powerful, strong, weak, happy, free - whatever! be many things all at the same time! from my experience, these feelings are going to come whether you allow them to or not. it's better to feel them now - truly and soberly - head on and without fear - then let them pop up nine months from now during a drunk dial or eight years from now in a completely different relationship. this is honestly how you move on. you feel your feelings until your feelings are done. have faith that this will not last forever. it may not go as 'fast' as you want - but it willwillwill pass. all things do, right? this is no different. you happen to just be in it now. know that one day you won't be, k? just knowing that fact helps me go through the worst of it.

try to find creative and cathartic ways to get these emotions out, too. writing sad poetry is a cliche for a reason. (love how "cliche for a reason" is now a cliche in and of itself. MINDMELT). no one's gotta see it! you don't gotta go all slam poetry open mic night if you don't wanna (i kinda wanna?). don't be embarrassed, work it out!! write, paint, draw, sing, scream, dance, whateva - own the angst and longing and get it out in a productive way.

another thing to do is to not look at this period as a waste of time but to look at it as a period of growth and of personal understanding (#eatpraylove.) re-frame this time and re-frame it positively! use this time to see how you work! like, how you work as a person. like, how you as a person works. watch yourself lovingly and patiently go through this like you're a scientist doing some experiment. you will learn so much! "oh, and there's the 8th time today i checked his facebook. interesting how uninteresting it is after the 5th go-around." "oh, ok. still fantasizing about that one conversation we had that one time that made me sorta happy." "oops! and here's another dude in my bed." "and here i am eating my third chocolate cake of the night." "oh wow, MARK IT DOWN! i'm actually able to sit and watch tv without crying tonight. pass me more cake!" whatever happens, just passively watch and learn about yourself - your ways of handling grief, loss, sadness, etc. it's actually a kinda fun and interesting thing to do if you're able to do it without judgement. loving yourself through it is so key it hurts (until it doesn't hurt anymore.) the lessons you'll pick up during this time will be so valuable! huzzayy! you can see what things you like and what things you may want to change in the future. it's like emotional maturity level 301 with a kind, lighthearted pop quiz next thursday.

and you know i gotta say this - please let go of the notion of becoming friends with him again. it really may not happen and i'd hate for you to be heartbroken over that too. i'm sure you know things have gone and done changed. you're not just old friends anymore- you're ex-lovers now. it's a whole new ballgame. (one where apparently i use the term 'ex-lovers' completely un-ironically.)

if you are able to reconnect in a friends-only way, prepare yourself that it most likely will be a different brand of friendship than the one it was before you dated. just know that there are a thousand different varieties of friendships out there and you will def be tasting a new kind with him (what? ew). from my experience, you gotta let there be a lot of good ol' fashioned healing time in there first (so be grateful for this time of little-to-no communication!! it is needed) and you gotta be totally open-armed to a new chapter in the relay, however it may unfold. you may not be super close, you may not want to talk about certain things, you may still feel feelings! just make sure to take actions that value yourself and to let go of the results.

okay!! you got this, girl. e-mail me your slam poetry if you want. i'll just be here watching snookie, wondering how she would have answered this question. (answer: GTL + smush, duh),
danielle FORLIFE

how to murder (dust) bunnies

"...i've made a huge mistake." - GOB bluth, and me.

i think when i said that whole "ask me anything" thing i should have kinda said like, hey dudes, ask me anything!!.. except things about cleaning your apartment. i am nothing but honest with you, my now 12 readers (hi!) and it's not like i'm this punk house/hippie commune dwelling creature from the underboards (anymore) but if cleaning-yr-apartment-cleanliness was on the sexuality Kinsey scale, i'd be solidly bisexual. i'd be a 3 out of 6. i totally totally totally see both sides. what i'm saying is that i find you all attractive. wait, no. what i'm saying is that i'm not a complete mess but i'm also def not an expert in cleaning. also, i find you all attractive.

regardless, my goal here is to just pass on my knowledge and try to help...... no matter what (said menacingly with an awkward, cold stare) so i am sure as hell going to try! also, google! i will also google. here's the question:

I need help dealing with dust. When I moved out of my last apartment, I found so much dust hidden in the nooks and crannies of my life and I swore this time it would be different. But it's really not. I know other people dust, like dust the verb, and this sounds like the right solution. But I don't get it. When you dust, doesn't the dust just fly up and settle in other places? Isn't it just a matter of moving dust around indefinitely? Isn't it just fooling yourself? How can I rid my house of dust without feeling like I'm rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic? Or maybe the air purifiers on the Titanic?

dude, i am so with you. dust, like fuckin' magnets, seems to exist only to inspire the question, "how do they work??" answer: no one knows (untrue), but from my understanding most of household dust is really just your own dead skin cells floating around! isn't that ADORABLE?! so, really, you are just trying to clean yourself up. phrased another way, you are just trying to get rid of you. you are causing your own self angst and agita. how existentially symbolic and wonderful!

also included in dust is hair, dirt, pollen, pet stuffs, spider webs, dust mites and their feces (yum!), lost childhood dreams and possibly some daddy issues. no one wants any of that shit around. let's all form a ragtag posse and murder us some dust!!

my personal way of dealing with it is by utilizing a highly intricate method known as "getting it wet and then picking it up with a paper-towel or sponge or something". what i'll do is spray some windex (or really whatever wet-spray thing i have lying around) on the dusty surface. if i'm feeling saucy, i'll even move items off of the surface to make room for me to wipe it all down but more often than not i do the wipe-around method and no one is the wiser (except people with eyes). this is how i personally "take care" of it. quotes absolutely required as i uh, don't really take care of it. see above re: my cleanliness bisexuality. (omg can you copyright complete jibberish because i can hear the cha-chings from oVa hEaAa)

if you use a duster, i so see yr point. it totally seems like you're just moving it around indefinitely. it feels like a futile and hopeless activity as if it exists only to underline your preconceived notion that we are all just floating along aimlessly, alone and without purpose. but you know me, i don't play that way! when ya roll with me, y'all just gotta know there is hope! based on the findings of the scientific crackteam over at howtogetridofstuff.com (really) this exercise of moving dust from one place to another has a point! in fact it is the point!

they claim that the point of dusting with a duster is to try to get the dust to settle ON TO THE FLOOR where you can then VACUUM IT ALL UP. like, whoa. i know, so crazy. right now i'm all like, is this really a thing? is this really what people do? it's all so mind-blowing. i'm feelin like i missed a v. important memo growing up because i've never once in my life ever heard of this before ever. i feel weirdly cheated but also like i don't really care because my 'get it wet' method has been overall fine for me i think. also, it's called the 'get it wet' method so back up off me you know?

over at howtogetridofthings.com (wtf. I SMELL GANG WAR with howtogetridofstuff.com - who's side you on?!), they suggest dusting at least twice a week, starting up high and working your way down and then vacuuming immediately after so you're not just kicking it all back up again. i guess this dust-then-vacuum thing is really real. if two random websites with amazingly similar names say so, who am i to question? and so, my lovely dust-challenged reader, i guess that's the advice i'm going to give you! dust then vacuum, or, you know, just get it wet!

for some reason i'm now thinkin about how dusty is such a mean name to give your child. i would never name any of you dusty, i swear,
danielle

it's totally okay #1

i'm trying something new! in addition to, or perhaps instead of?, my random unsolicited advicements (not a real word), i think i will also be randomly posting some it's totally okay's which is exactly what it sounds like - me, letting you know, out of the kindness of my heart combined with my undying love for you, that it's totally okay to do certain things that you may not be so confident to do.

are you ready? it's totally okay if you're not because we just gunna go ahead anyway like right now omg here we go!


1. it's totally okay to go see your favorite band, buy one of their sickass t-shirts and then straight up wear it the next day at brunch with the girls. no need to hide it or wait for a 'cooler' time. the next morning is as cool as it gets! that show was f'n awesome, you basically had a spiritual experience, you only fucked up singing the lyrics once, LET IT BE KNOWN! it's totally okay to be genuine and earnest and enthusiastic over the things you love than to be the negi, annoying, arms-crossed, totally-over-it opposite, i promise you this.

2. it's totally okay to not respond to a text or an e-mail right away, especially one that upsets you or causes you anxiety. we think things always have to be handled immediately but word up children, they don't! you can totally sit with something, think and talk it over with other people and respond at a later time (a few hours? days? whatever's needed!) instead of react right away. omg. did i just slamdunk your world into a thousand million pieces?? (plz don't answer right away.)

3. it's totally okay to listen to the same song on repeat for days at a time! do it til your heart is ready to move on or until your roommate has a kinda really scary meltdown all like IF I HEAR THAT FUCKING SONG ONE MORE TIME I SWEAR I'M GUNNA.. whatever comes first!

and finally,

4. it's totally okay to be "that guy" sometimes! i know, i know, no one wants to be "that guy" but check it: when i was 20 i was going through an insane led zeppelin stage. at this time, i took a train ride across the country by myself. i was wearing a robert plant t-shirt, listening to zep the whole ride (3 days) while reading hammer of the gods. i was totally "that guy" but guess what? I OWNED IT and subsequently HIT IT OUT OF THE PARK. i had sex with a 30 year old LUMBERJACK from MONTANA while the train passed through the midwest. he bought me A CHICKEN FRIED STEAK. i learned MAGIC TRICKS from a dude who claimed to have a ROCKET JETPACK at home. (why was he on a train if he had a rocket jetpack? #unansweredquestions) this guitar-wielding hippie would play "ramble on" every time i walked into the lounge car. they fucking loved me. they all called me "zeppelin girl' and i was! but it worked because i worked it. so go for it. do your thing. be "that guy" if it means owning the shit out of life.

xo forever
dani

asking out the coffee shop cutie

AND HERE IT IS, FOLKS! the 'to be or not to be' of our modern times:

I want to ask out a girl who works at a cafe. My friends say she smiles at everyone, but I think she smiles at me more. Like, across the room, while she's changing the trash bags. Another time, I was reading with headphones on, in my super-concentrated work zone, and she got into said zone simply to wave goodbye to me as she was walking out. Now, I guess this is a two part question. One, does it seem like she likes me in a special way or is she just super super polite? And two, I know asking her out at work is no good. Like, it's big pressure for me, because there's always other customers on line. And it's not very comfortable for her, because it's like she's trapped there behind the counter. Taking all the factors into consideration, the best solution I can come up with is to just let it ride and leave it up to fate or chance or whatever. But do you think there's anything I can do help nudge fate along in the right direction?

oh goodness, dear reader, you know? oh goodness, oh goodness, oh goodness. i knew this question was going to come. when i set this blog up, i just knew it was only a matter of time. IT'S THE QUESTION TO END ALL QUESTIONS!! it's the question that we've all asked ourselves, our friends and our friends' friends at least once, twice, three different times. if you live in a city, this is a guarantee. 100%. if you live in a small town, omg sorry, i don't know, probably? can't say as i've never lived in a small town before! but to me this question basically sums up the little modern world that i happen to inhabit: is that babe-monster behind the counter smiling at me because he/she is paid to and it just makes their day go faster or is it because i'm fucking special and we're meant to be? it's that we're meant to be.... right?? LIKE BECAUSE HE GAVE ME THAT DAY OLD CROISSANT FOR FREE TODAY SOOOO

why do we all do this? why are counter-cuties so damn near impossible to resist? we must remember that even though, yes, counter-cuties are real people (i think?), they are not the people we imagine them to be. i know, supes crazy, right? we straight up invent them and subscribe all this meaning to them. we turn them into exactly what we want or need. it's just so easy to!! we see them routinely, possibly even daily. they are good looking, weird, tattooed, and smiling. they tell us to have a nice day for fucks sake! they may even remember how we like our coffee or that we are allergic to milk. isn't that pretty much all we want?? isn't that basically all that we are looking for?!? HOW CAN WE NOT FALL IN LOVE???

i myself went through this with a pizza boy last year. he was/is ADORABLE and would always be super pumped when i walked in. like super pumped. he once threw up his hands and tossed napkins in the air like confetti while screaming "yayyyy!!!!" when i walked in. that's sooo pumped! we would talk, flirt, smile, laugh, all of it! do you have any idea how often i prayed that this pizza shop would somehow magically turn into a coffee shop overnight so i could realistically go in everyday? there's only so much pizza a girl can eat on the regs while still maintaining a base level of babetitude. (perfect world = unlimited pizza. real world = once every two weeks? maybe? also, related, the real world sux) once, he saw me nannying some kids in the park and asked me about it the next time i came in. i totally took this once in a lifetime opp and invited him to hang out and non-creepily play games with little boys and me. but guess what - he never came. (surprise?) i also saw him randomly out at the movies but he was with someone and i was with someone and we said 'heyy wassup' but didn't try to like, combine parties or anything. he doesn't work at the pizza shop anymore but he lives in my hood and i see him around enough. we still say hi, talk, seem really jazzed to see each other. we interact way more than it really makes sense for us to in regards to the kind of relationship we have (see: pizza seller/pizza eater). but nothing ever came of it - including my crush. it totally just died out, nbd. i actually just saw him the other night at this new restaurant he works at. he bought me a gingerale, told me about this book he's reading and asked me how my summer went. then his shift was over and we said goodbye. i went back to my friends and he went to a bar. see you later, dude.

the moral of that story is who fucking knows?! that was just my recent experience with a cutie behind the counter. 

so now to you and your specifics. i hate to say this but from the examples you gave it sounds like she is probably just being super nice and sweet to you in the same way that she is probably super nice and sweet to most of her customers. you can only view her from your star-gazed, oozy love eyes. in that position it of course looks like she is smiling more at you specifically. and that's the fun of it all! that's the excitement of going in everyday! you may see her smiling at you as she takes out the trash but can't see her smiling at that other guy as she cleans the latte steamer thing and then at that other dude as she refills the splenda. why would you wanna see that crap?! your friends see it though and they told you so. 

but you know what? i say fuck it, man! because look at the first sentence you wrote: "i want to ask out a girl who works at a cafe" and i say go for it. or you should at least start talking to her more, perhaps break that fourth wall between customer and counter-cutie. the best thing that can happen is that you are presented with an opportunity to ask her to non-creepily play games with little boys and you (or ummm your version of that). the other best thing that can happen is that you realize she's not who you made her out to be and there's no reason to worry anymore. because remember, as i said above, this is a girl you totally invented. i mean, she's real, like she's a human and all, but the girl you think you wanna ask out only exists in your head at the moment, okay? you don't know her for realsies yet. so just be open, get to know her more, ask her questions, smile back, be nice and kind and see where it goes. you have the right idea already. i support you in what you're already doing.

my bottom line is that i would never steer my readers into creep-zone. i just will not play that way. i worked retail before and creepy customers are THE WORST.  they made me wanna puke all over life forever. my readers are awesome and will never not be awesome but we also must be realistic. when we walk into these places, these cuties are all we see. they are front and center. they are behind the counter, waiting, smiling for us. when they see us walk in, we are just like.. customer #56 of the day and once they finish with us they can go have their smoke break. i'm not saying she's def not going to be into you, she very well might be!, but just play it cool in a sweet, open and fun way. that's all. if an opportunity presents itself to ask her to take it outside the coffee shop, go for it. why not?! unless this coffee shop is more important to you than the girl - honestly. that's a real concern. if this goes poorly, you may start to feel real awks here. can you handle that?

WHAT A BUMMER of an answer. i'm sorry! i wish i could just be like OH JUST DO IT, ASK HER OUT TONIGHT AND HAVE A THOUSAND BABIES NAMED AFTER ME but honestly my advice is just to keep doing what you're doing, with maybe a bit more oomph behind it. ask her for a coffee recc or something. make up that you think you may have left a book there last time, did she see it/did someone turn it in? maybe then you can then talk about books. tell her a funny story about something that just happened on your walk over. just keep buying your coffees and being your cutie-customer self and trust that it will unfold in the "right direction." it always does. the "right direction" just may not be how you want it to go, ya dig?


do you think maybe i'm just bitter, though? i mean he threw napkins in the air LIKE CONFETTI, YOU KNOW?!?!,
danielle

unsolicited advice #3

so i just learned a valuable lesson and wanted to pass on my findings as quickly as possible to you, my six readers. while at first it may seem like a wildly innovative and straight up bombass idea, doing yoga moves in the shower is really only a fancy, new agey way to get water up your nose.

and so my advice is to wait for dry land.

happy friday, lovers!

dueling schedules, a morning routine

i now have FIVE, count 'em FIVE (5), questions sitting in my inbox!! it's like, lay off people! don't you know i have a day job?!?

jk jk jk this is awesome. life rules at all times. except when dealing with the problem below, but then once i give my advice life rules again (see how that works?) let's get to it!

dear what's yr,

ok here is my problem: my husband and i keep radically different hours. i work regular business hours and he works super late. he likes to come home from work and then stay up really late googling (i assume) all night. i like to go to bed a bit earlier since i have to be up earlier. but, i always end up staying up hours later than i really should since we have fun hanging out and watching tv. this means that in the morning i always over-sleep and don't have time for a nice morning routine. ideally i would like to be getting up early enough for "me time", some writing and meditation, but i'm always too tired and rushing out the door. i try to go to bed earlier, but then my husband is bummed because i bug him about being quiet and turning off the tv so i can sleep etc., and really i want to stay up and hang out with him anyway. i guess i just need more hours in the day. the late night quality hang out time is the only time during the week we see each other and it's important to me, but it's also important to me to have a peaceful relaxed morning. thoughts?

love, anon.

hey anon! that is a totally annoying situation and i can so totally see why you would come to me with it, but can i first just say how adorable you are for oversleeping because you like to stay up late giggling with your hubby?? cutest question i've ever gotten!! (i've gotten like 8). i'll stay naive on the fact that you two are really just giggling watching tv and not going the more carnal route as this is a family-friendly column. (ha! no it's not, send me sex questions I DON'T GIVE A FUCK... but since you didn't mention sex, neither will i. or i won't mention sex again. sex sex sex. okay, i'm donesies for real now.) (sex.)

alright, i have A LOT to say on the topic. surprise! first thing i'm going to throw out is the possibility of either of you changing your hours at work. i know that sounds weird and probably even extreme but in the world today it is so commonplace for people to be able to work mobiley or be allowed to shift the hours from a 9-5 to a 10-6 or 11-7 even. or if you already work non-traditional hours, see if they can be made a bit more traditional. give or take one or two hours can totally change your game up, you know? and even if it's just a few days out of the week! that can help just as much. i just don't see it as a bad thing to ask your employers if it's possible. they say no, they say no! it's just a suggestion (WHAT I DO) and i figured that i would at least put it out there for you to sit with.

if it's not possible, or not desired to do so, let's bring ourselves back into your home and figure out what we can do there to accommodate both the late night fun times and your preferred early morning routine. i was thinking i would recommend a sort of late-night-early-night schedule but i honestly don't think that will work. our lives are big and exciting, right? things happen, things change. you don't want to be like, omg but TONIGHT IS TUESDAY, let's stop having a blast watching old episodes of LOST and playing UNO (my dream night) because it's scheduled that we go to sleep at 10:45pm. or on the flip side, you're passing out exhausted and your husband is like, BUT WIFE, IT'S THURSDAY. GET OUT OF YOUR SLUMBER AND WATCH ME PLAY XBOX. i can just see that not working, causing stress and resentment.

so the only thing i am going to say about how to handle the nights is for you to stand up for your sleep-time more and for your husband to follow your lead and start respecting your need for quiet in this time! we teach people how to treat us. if you start taking your sleep-time seriously, he should follow. if you respect your sleep-time, he should get in line. in this process, you don't have to be mean or angry, just firm. "i need to go to sleep now, please respect. thank you. i love you soo much."

if he doesn't, well, write me again because that's a problem.

also, get a sleepmask if you don't already have one. when i was living with an ex-lover (haha) he would stay up forever googling too (haha x2) and since we lived in a one-bedroom and there was no other room for him to go to, the sleepmask was my savior. i am, however, a super deep sleeper and once i'm out, i'm out. you may not be as awesome as me (haha x3) but i still recommend a sleepmask. it's like a straight up sleepcave in that mofo.

the rest of my response will be about your morning routine because, trust, i know the importance of it. i myself have one that i try to follow as closely as possible. i like to wake up, drink coffee, fall into an internet black-hole, then rush out the door wearing dirty clothes and forgetting to brush my hair. ah, i kid. i like to do the things you mentioned too, like reading, writing, perhaps some meditation. i also trytrytry to make sure i eat a good breakfast. it's true what they say about that shit! but you know what, sometimes i do it all, sometimes i don't do any of it, but i always try to just give myself TIME. just the time to sit staring at the wall in the morning if that's all i can do is crucial to me. there is nothing i hate more than rushing out the door. (i def hate things more like institutionalized racism and sexism but you get it.)

but there is good news!! i think the scientific jury is still out on this, but from my experience morning minutes last longer than regular day and night minutes. weird, right? just another 15/20 mins in the morning can RADICALLY change your shit up. it's magic how long the minutes can last in the morn. those 15 minutes can allow you to write for 10 and meditate for 5. or they can help you drink a coffee, eat some almonds and put mascara on. whatever they do, they help immensely. strive to add just 15, possibly 20 minutes to your morning and you will be rewarded handsomely.

another thing i want to mention is the notion of 'starting your day over at anytime.' maybe you've heard of this before. it's the idea that no matter how you started your day, you can hit re-set and start again. some days when i can't seem to do more in the morning than check facebook and cry, i find that i can sit at 11am and write. i can meditate at 12:30 for ten minutes, or stretch and read for a little at 1pm. yes, a relaxed, self-care filled morning routine is important and in an ideal world we'd each have all the time in the world to do what we wanted to do (and the willingness to follow through) but until we get there, we must find the time when and where we can to take care of ourselves in the ways that matter most to us. so you don't do it all right when you wake up, so what? do it later in the day. it still counts and still helps! these actions don't lose their power after 9am.

you got this! stand up for and respect your sleep sched, add 15 minutes to your morning, and don't discount the notion of self-care lasting all day whenever you can get it. have fun giggling with your husband! oh yeah, and a sleepmask. get that shit like asaps.

eat, pray, sleep,

danielle

convincing a partner

and the hits just keep on comin!!!! are ya'll ready for some AD-VIIIICEEEE?? 

Dear Danielle,
I really, really, really want this fabulous BlueStar cooktop and oven.
I know it costs $4000, but at least it’s cheaper than a Chanel bag, right?
The problem is, how do I convince my partner that it’s something we really need for the apartment we are currently renting?
She wants to wait til we BUY a house, which will be NEVER because I don’t believe in owning real estate.
Help me, Obi Wan, you’re my only hope.

In need of 22,000 BTUs, 
The Bear

hiiii, the bear!! i like your name, but wow. this one is intense! you probably didn't realize just how intense it was when you sent it my way but it opens up so many pandora's boxes behind so many hidden doors behind so many fake bookshelves that i am having a hard time grasping where to start and what to touch.

ok, firstly, i will not touch the money issue! (i will say that 'firstly' is an awesome word, though! like, where did that come from, you know?! i usually just go for the standard 'first things first' but now my whole world may have been changed?! life is so exciting.) $4,000 is like, the weirdest fucking amount ever because it can mean so much for some people and not so much for others. i gather that it is not the craziest amount to you guys as your partner's issues are not about the price per se, but more about when to buy.. so let's forget about the money and move on to this when-to-buy biznass.

but oh shit, the when-to-buy issue is a hidden door!! like it's the most hiddenest door in the darkest hallway of the most abandoned house. so your partner wants to wait for a house that she will never get? i imagine this was discussed before. probably multiple times. i'm sorry but this feels a bit red-flaggish to me! it's like someone telling their partner they never want kids but partner #1 doesn't believe them and thinks that they can just wait it out until partner #2 changes their mind. like all of a sudden one day partner #2 is going to look at those drooling balls of flesh and organs and think, "you know what? i was wrong! i totally do want that to come out of my vagina!" that's not good and also not likely! is this real estate really a dead end for you? if so, does your partner really know this? to me this screams out as the bigger issue than when to get the stove, but who knows - i'm just a registered advice columnist (still, somehow, not a real thing).

your question, though, is about convincing your partner to buy now and i'm here to help, AS I DO. as it seems like you ladies decided that this is something you both do want eventually, it's just all about when's the best time so it's not like you have to sit and tell her how awesome the oven is, how many amazing meals y'all can whip up together on it and so forth. my advice is to have another conversation and offer her the Compromise That Cannot Be Denied! say that if you can get the stove now, you will give up/let her/change/do ______________.  think hard about what this means for you and your partner specifically. make it something that up until now you would never even think of giving up on. something that when your partner hears it, she's all like "oh shit... really???" make her take you seriously! fucking go for the gold of compromise. if you "need" the stove like you say, dig deep!! 

maybe it's something simple like the remote. let your partner decide what to watch for the next six months, year, whatever. or it's the dishes, or the laundry, or walking the dog, or letting her parents stay over, or going here or there for vacation like she wants, or it's giving up closet space....

or maybe it's the the mother of all compromises! you know what this is... you must! maybe if you get your stove now, she gets her house later? are you willing?

also, will you cook for me if this works?

feed my tummy,

danielle

when dreams turn into nightmares

CAN'T STOP WON'T STOP. here we go!!!

Hey What's yr Problem,
I'm a man from your past, who you may or may not remember- who needs advice with the quicknesssss.
Ok so, like everyone's always telling you to "follow your dreams," and shit like that, but when you do you totally end up broke and feeling dumb, because let's face it- becoming a Flamenco Guitar playing phenom with like 30 Basque chicks dripping all over me and unleashing an endless barrage of Spanish wine and African hash is just not in the cards at this point in my life- I'm not saying that's my dream, cause it's obvs not, but like- All I'm getting at is, dreams are hungry vampiric beasts that pray on you in the night, while you're sleeping, and people need to know..
 Right? I mean what do you say?
 

Sincerely,

Anonymous Man From the Past Who Followed his Dreams To The End of the Earth, and Is All Like, NOW WHAT

wow that sucks, anonymous man from my past. (SIDE NOTE: WTF INTRIGUING?!?!) my instinct is to be like, get better dreams? or at least more realistic and achievable ones? but shoot me in the face, isn't that THE WORST ADVICE EVER?? i would lose my registered advice columnist status (still not a real thing)

the way i can help i think is to just offer out the idea of redefining what following/living your dreams are. for me, it's an inside job (9/11 joke). it's about how i'm feeling, how i'm reacting (or better yet, responding) to the world around me, it's about how comfortable i am when i just sit by myself, how clean my soul is in a way. did i ask people how they were today and really listen to their response? did i show up when i said i would and was i useful when i was there? did i admit when i was wrong? was i able to let go of trying to control and manipulate the world to fit my needs? am i grateful for all the gifts i currently have in my life?

once i'm in check with these things, all external things usually fall into place. or external things totally don't fall into place, but i'm still okay and trust that if i keep doing the right actions, at some point the external will follow. or the external will never fall into place, but i'm STILL OKAY. it's just about loving where you're at regardless of where it is because you love yourself and you're content.

my goals in life are basically to be content and useful. that means that wherever i end up, as high up the ladder or as low, as big or as small as my life may be in the scheme of things, i am content with myself and i am a useful and active participant with a purpose. this purpose, and what i mean by useful, is as literal as like, making coffee for friends, helping someone with their groceries, making calls for my grandpa to possibly go into a retirement home (so sad and true), whatever. just showing up and being there to help. just doing what needs to be done. it takes your ego out of the game while at the same time raising your self-esteem. it's one of those tricky tricks that trick the trick trick.

always say thank you for what you have. if you live in the positive, you will simply see more of it. when you're in the thick of 'what the fuck does it mean?? why does my life suck? whats the point??" i suggest making a list of at least 5 things that you are grateful for. refocus, man. you're doing okay! you've had awesome life experience. say thank you for that! appreciate it! 

in fact, be thankful for the funk, too! through pain comes growth, right? without dark, there is no light, without fear, there is no courage. trust that you will pick something up in this time that will help you later on. or that you will pick something up in this time that will help someone else later on - that's the trick! (another tricky trick trick) sharing your experiences and being able to help others with those experiences is an amazing and simple way to give value and purpose to even the darkest times of our lives.

also, i have a friend who made her goal to just have as much singing and dancing in her life as reasonably possible. so she just sings and dances as much as possible. just going to karaoke or dancing in her room counts, and she feels productive and awesome each time. so set some goal like that. something to get you out of your funk a little and back on the happiness track. (basically, set a more achievable dream. UGH I'M THE WORST)

living realistic dreams for life,

danielle

haircuts and assignment anxiety

oh shit. as predicted i am becoming ridiculously overwhelmed with e-mails at this point. i now have 2!!

what

the

fuck!

is this thing real now? is this real life? do you know how exciting this is for me?! the best part is that in one of the e-mails, i received TWO QUESTIONS. that's right! one e-mail, two questions! this shit is just bananas.

let's get right to it!

Question #1:
Should I cut my hair, or be patient? I'm trying to grow it out, but godhelpme I want to bypass this awkward phase and get straight to the ponytail of my dreams.

ohh sup hey girl! you are straight speaking my language. i have lived literally 97% of my life in the awkward-hair-phase-zone. and yes, it is a real place. it exists right next to those jeans two sizes too small but GODDAMMIT WILL FIT ONE DAY and the ability to get a manicure and not fuck it up within twenty minutes.

my personal course of action is to usually say screw it and cut it. oops! my hair is thick and a lot to handle. i've only managed to grow my hair out past my shoulders once and then as soon as i hit some intense emotional fork in the road, i turned all debra-from-empire-records and cut it all off like it didn't just take four years of my life to get there. i'm pretty sure i was listening to 90s alt at the time but there wasn't anyone sassy to yell 'well sinead o'rebellion' at me so overall it sucked.

however i have to tell you no! no no no! do not cut it off. you obviously want that ponytail and you should have it! ponytails are amaaazing. they get the hair off your neck and they bounce and sway. (i think that's what heaven is?) you have not described what your dream ponytail is in your e-mail, but you needn't have to. i can see it clearly with my heart. it is a thing of beauty and it should be yours.

your question is really about how to handle this phase and luckily i do have some tips and suggestions on the matter! (see above re: 97% of my life). first things first though, before we get to the fun styling portion, the most important thing you need to do is to practice some acceptance. you are growing out your hair and it sucks! it's okay that it sucks! accept the suck, you know? once you truly, fully, thoroughly accept this fact you will be able to have some level of fun with your hair at all lengths!

now the styling part: don't be afraid to get it shaped at a salon (or by a trusty friend)! i know that the act of cutting your hair when growing it seems to go against what you're trying to accomplish but really, for your sanity, it's so okay to add a layer here, an angle there. you'll still get there in time and you won't be hating it every step of the way. especially if you're at the breaking point where you might just cut it all off anyway, go a bit subtler and keep your eyes on the prize.

also, make bobbypins your besties. try braiding or twisting or a new way to part and style. spend some quality time in front of the mirror every few weeks to figure out the best way to go for that time period. each month is a whole new ballgame and you will probably need to readjust your strategy. look at magazines for inspiration. if you now have shoulder-length hair, or right below the chin, or wherever, whatever, look for models with that length. even if it's far away from your goal, there's something cute out there for you to be inspired by. be grateful for the fact that fall is right around the corner and that hats, oh glorious hats, will soon enter our fashion scene once again.

also, play with other fun things like eyeliner or lipstick. make yourself feel externally awesome in some other way when your hair gets teen-angsty. a little cat-eye has never steered anyone wrong, no matter how many bobbypins they had in their hair.

you're beautiful,
danielle

AND NOW ONTO:

Question #2:
How can I stop freaking out when I have an assignment? When it's a job I'm really excited about I tend to worry and procrastinate even MORE than usual! This leads to getting up at 5am to complete things, only to ask for an extension.

my first instinct here was to tell you to do all the typical things that i'm sure you do already: make lists, break it down, set an achievable schedule, color code everything.. whatever those productivity blogs i don't read tell us to do. and i love me a list and a color code. omg, i love me a list and a color code hardcore, but i'm going to take this in a different direction and try to blow this thing right out of the damn water.

now, if when you received these assignments i was to ask you, "what's the worst thing that can happen here?" i think the following are possible answers: 1) you cannot complete the task entirely 2) you complete the task and it sucks 3) you weren't able to complete the task in the time given and need to ask for an extension.

oh snap, guess what! #3 is already happening! you are already asking for an extension. you're already in the worst-thing-that-can-happen territory! did you realize you were here? did you see that you were in the spot that you did not want to be in - the spot that probably caused or at least contributed to the anxiety in the first place?

but i must ask - since you are already here, in that asking-for-an-extension-place, and are now open eyed and aware that you are here, NOW what's the worst thing that can happen?? you're already in the spot you don't want to be in so it just doesn't make sense to fear it! accept it and gain strength from it! it's like you have the opportunity to look the devil in the eyes, say "you ain't shit!" and keep walking.

break the denial and walk through the fear, even if you fake it til you make it. you're afraid you're not going to finish or afraid you are not going to finish it well - trust that you will be okay, regardless of what happens with this assignment. you're proving that you are okay because you're asking for extensions but keep getting assignments! put these tasks in their proper place - take them off this intimidating pedestal and be loving and patient with yourself. you are human and you are going to have a reaction to work and responsibility. we all do. it's okay. allow yourself 20 minutes to freak out and then get on with it. once you're able to see that there is nothing to truly fear, no matter what happens, you will be able to handle the work with more grace than you could have ever imagined!

next assignment you get look at it with fresh eyes. take a deep breath and tell it that you're not afraid of it and that you are going to straight dominate the f outta it. then straight dominate the f outta it.

to the top!,
danielle

a question from my brother

so yesterday afternoon, a mere four seconds after i set up this blog, i posted on facebook that i was now a registered advice columnist (not a real thing) and received some questions in the form of facebook comments! how exciting and modern. one of them was from my brother. how sweet and basic human relations!

here's his question:
My sister never answer her phones or calls me back, she's usually really busy shredding and tearing shit up, but I just don't know what to do anymore!! HELPP

my answer:
omg what a doozy! your sister sounds really awesome (and probably super pretty), but it also sounds like she is so busy being awesome that she may have forgotten that some of the base line levels of awesome-being is showing up for the people in her life, not taking their love and their time for granted, and always at some point returning their phone calls or texts because it's really not that hard and can mean so much. or, in the reverse, that not returning a phone call or a text can hurt and cause worry, pain, sadness or resentment. who wants that?? i'm sure your sister does not!

let me give you the view from the other side. i was once one of those people who didn't call other people back! WHAT?! I KNOW! there was a dark time in my life where the thought of answering the phone brought on such insane fear in me. my voicemail inbox was filled constantly because i couldn't bring myself to listen to the messages. "what do these people want from me??" i would think as i hid my phone under my pillow or threw it across the room (gently, because please..)

the guilt became overwhelming. it piles on itself and multiplies. the people calling get upset that you are not calling them back and you feel guilty for not calling back so you start to resent the people calling. it feels like you will never get through this.

but guess what? it's totally possible to get through this. i did! all i had to do was... start calling the people back. I KNOW. i'll wait while you put your melted face back together into something acceptable. i just took a deep breath and made the connection. i apologized if needed (it was needed.) i didn't lie or offer excuses, i was honest with why it took me a while to call. important to note: people fucking dig honesty. honesty makes people go apeshit, i swear. i made an effort. they felt better and so did i. i learned that it's better to call someone back late, than to not call them back at all. i'm obviously not perfect at this, i obviously still forget or delay a call-back, but then i try again. i make the call, i apologize, am honest, and we take it from there..

for the phone dodgers, this can also apply to bill collectors or banks or other annoying mofos who call you constantly to talk about all sorts of anxiety-inducing bs. just talk to them. i swear it helps. avoiding calls just makes your chest feel weird. avoiding calls just makes it harder to breathe. you take the call and try to work it out and you'll feel okay. not only will you feel okay, you will BE okay.

but omg, that was so not yr question. i wonder whose side i understand more (i think it's your sister's..) and so, my advice to you, brother of this really awesome (and obviously really intimidatingly super pretty) sister, is to do what you just did: make another contact, humorously, and remind her how awesome you are too. please be patient as she works out her own shit. human relationships and communications are really intense. they cause some of our worst defects to come out, but keep trying if you want, let go and give space if you can't handle it anymore. accept that it really has more to do with her shit than with you, because you so totally rule.


but seriously, she'll call you back later today.

xo,
danielle

unsolicited advice #2

it's day 2 and i am sitting in an internet cafe awaiting the mad rush of e-mails and questions i am sure to receive any moment now; the mad rush, which, in all honesty, is actually totally and completely overwhelming, and, even more so, totally and completely imagined. i am staying in the gratitude, however, and will take this rare quiet-before-the-storm moment to offer even more unsolicited advice!

here it is: it is totally okay to duct tape the bottoms of yr favorite shoes if it means you get to wear them for another day or two* before taking them in to get resoled.



*or three or four days or six weeks or months depending on how punk as fuck you are.

there you go! you're welcome. drown me in e-mailed questions soon!

love you with my whole heart,
danielle

unsolicited advice #1

it's a beautiful sunday afternoon in brooklyn, ny. the kind of sunday where you could realistically do anything you want and it would be the perfect day to do just that. want to stay inside and watch friday night lights on netflix for hours? omg, good call. decided to brunch with your gay life partner and strategize about how to meet ru paul? today would be the day to just straight up nail it. chose to lay outside in the park and eye-flirt hardcore with some rando cuties only to realize later that they were sitting next to their gf's the whole time? oops, that's a shitty situation but what can ya do? it's so pretty out!

so my perfect afternoon on this perfect sunday is doing exactly this - setting this jammy up, emailing and facebooking out the fact that i'm setting this jammy up and waiting for the questions to start pouring in. i'm also listening to the new GIRLS record and so far give it an 8.

but here's my advice of the day: fuck that voice that tells you no. fuck the voice that tells you it's too hard or too crazy or too overwhelming.

if you want it, do it. if you want it, do it. if you want it, do it. today is the perfect day for it! take one step and look at that, you're now closer to the goal. how cool was that??

(note: every day is really the perfect day to do it, but you got that. i may not have any readers yet but the imaginary ones i have are way smart and intuitive. also, they would forgive me for saying something like "follow yr bliss!" but it's okay because it's not like i'd really say that anyway.)

let's get this fucking party started!!!

- danielle