Dear WYP,Really liking the blog so far. Had something bouncing around my head for a while. So here goes: There is this girl that I have worked with at my job for the last few years. For a long while we were quite friendly, and even hung out outside work on a few occasions. However, as time progressed, I developed a huge crush on her. I don't mean like "creepy stalker weirdo" crush, but more "growing interest and joy in the person's presence" crush, sprinkled with "wouldn't it be nice if ... [insert daydream future together here]." Anyway, it got kinda out of control; and I decided to just bite the bullet and ask her on a date. This was about a year ago. She said yes, It went great, we had an awesome time and all my hopes and crush fantasies came true. It didn't last, because the next few times I asked her out, she got very quiet, and would give me the cold shoulder. My feelings were crushed, and all the butterfly excitement fell apart (whoa, that is way too 10th grade "dear diary" poetry.) This, of course, only fed the fantasy further, in that I thought I had done something wrong, and I would do anything fix it, or if that was impossible, at least return to the normal level of friendship. So in essence, it is now a year later, and I have developed this obsessive fake fantasy love of her, and have nearly quit my job multiple times simply from crossing her path or from getting the cold shoulder. Worse off, I get insanely jealous whenever she chats up other male co-workers and I hear her laughing and acting normal, the way she used to act around me.
My question is, how do I simply shake these obsessive feelings and move on? How do I rid myself of depending on "what might have been" feelings that give me some vain false hope for the future? I don't want to jeopardize my job.
-A walking Smiths song
okay, first off, again, way to start with the compliment!! you bitches just KNOW.
and now i'll just jump right in and say some of those "HARD TRUTHZ" that i'm known for (disclaimer: i'm not known for anything, especially not anything like a hard truthz). here goes: although you thought the date was great and you had an awesome time it sure doesn't seem like she did. ugh, i know, but you seriously gotta break the storyline that the date was a two-way street of high-fivin happiness and start believing that it was more like those drama masks - one side happy, one side saaaad. [my artistic rendering = :) :( ] this totally sucks but in order to move on you gotta be on solid footing and honest acceptance will be your first step.
now, i imagine she probably thought the date was nice, alright, fine, since you guys were already friends and bro'ed down before, but probably felt no sparks that way and she, in her awkwardness on how to handle that unfortunateness, decided that it was best to just avoid you from here on out. this is absolutely NOT the best way for her to have handled it, especially since you work together, but somehow in this day and age not everyone reads WYP and may not have known that a little dose of kind-hearted honesty would have been the better route. either way, this is where you're at. it's awkward, it sucks, and you want to move on. nay! you've GOT to move on!
you have to try and let go of her in totality. let go of her as a crush object and let go of her as a friend. the work you are going to do is going to be from inside you. if she ends up in your life in some compacity after the fact, well, that's a bonus but it cannot be the goal. you see, you are giving this girl a lot of power over you. you need to get the power back from within you. you will never be fixed by an outside force, right? so let's get that inner-strength back and then you let the chips fall where they fall with this girl and all other girls, k?
you're all like, "the work i'm going to do?" I KNOW RIGHT?! i tried to sneak it in there. it may sound scary but i promise it's not so hard. it may just be a little cheesy because that's how i roll these days, but it won't be hard and the benefits will straight step up in this mothafucka just a-swangin their hair (aka so worth it.) you're going to have to try and train your brain to think from the negative to the positive and what this take is repetition. repeat the repeat to repeat the repeat and back again. you've been sitting in obsessive negi-town for about a year now! those negi-thoughts are deeply grooved in your brain at this point. the neurons are all used to that pathway now. it's easy and comfortable for you to go down it and then go down it again. you have to put up some posi-roadblocks to stop the negi-train from hitting the same brain station (omg metaphors 101).
take a moment and write out all the negative things you are telling yourself. maybe about how you fucked up, are unlovable, wrong, broken, la la la, or how this girl is perfect, will save you, will fill the void that makes you hollow.. whatever! and then write down on another page the inverse. change those into positive affirmations. to quote modern day philospher m.elliot, "i put my thing down, flip it and reverse it." now start saying those posi-affirmations like a mantra. you don't gotta go all stuart smalley on yourself, just repeat nice things about yourself to yourself as you go through the day. for me, what works is writing it out over and over. i swear, my last heartache i filled a whole notebook with "I AM VALID, I AM WHOLE" written over and over and over LIKE A CRAZY WOMAN. but guess what? i totally may look like a crazy woman to anyone who snuck a peek at my notebooks (please see: i will kill you) but i got through it! and i got through it super stronger! and i now truly believe that i am valid and whole on my own! how cool is that??
so anytime you start going down your now-normal negative thought train, stop it and flip it. be patient because "these things take time" - the smiths (yessss! i was hoping i could work in a smiths lyric somewhere in this jammy). just be persistent and these thought patterns will change. whatever you think you need to say to yourself to get yourself out of this mess, say it! and then say it again! you know your thoughts and know what needs to be the antidote to this year of negativity. be nice to yourself.
another trick is that when you can't stop thinking about yourself and your problems, you should call someone else and ask them about theirs/see if there's a way to help them out. helping others gets us out of our own heads and is a proper way to gain some self-esteem. so if you're ever really IN IT and can't find a way out yourself, call up a buddy and see if he needs help moving something or driving somewhere or whatever. just go take your able-body and do something ably for someone else. it'll at least delay your crazy train sched a bit and when your head hits the pillow that night, you at least made a positive difference that day! those actions will add up as will the moments spent outside of your head.
and as soon as you feel like your positive-self-love tank is filled (remember: this may take tiiime!) and you are ready to enter the dating world again, i'd suggest asking out a couple girls at a time. online dating is an easy way to set up a few dates at once. seriously. don't put all your eggs in one basket. if it doesn't work out with one, you got another lined up. it takes the pressure off. and keep up with the affirmations!! keep being nice to yourself and keep loving yourself. know that dating is hard for everyone and can be quite soul-sucking (me? bitter? nahhh) but the best relationship is the one with yourself anyway. haa, told you. i'm so fucking cheesy lately i should come with a lactose warning but i'm also dropping MAD TRUTHZ aka what i'm totally known for soooooo slam dunk!
whole and valid always,
danielle
