asking out the coffee shop cutie

AND HERE IT IS, FOLKS! the 'to be or not to be' of our modern times:

I want to ask out a girl who works at a cafe. My friends say she smiles at everyone, but I think she smiles at me more. Like, across the room, while she's changing the trash bags. Another time, I was reading with headphones on, in my super-concentrated work zone, and she got into said zone simply to wave goodbye to me as she was walking out. Now, I guess this is a two part question. One, does it seem like she likes me in a special way or is she just super super polite? And two, I know asking her out at work is no good. Like, it's big pressure for me, because there's always other customers on line. And it's not very comfortable for her, because it's like she's trapped there behind the counter. Taking all the factors into consideration, the best solution I can come up with is to just let it ride and leave it up to fate or chance or whatever. But do you think there's anything I can do help nudge fate along in the right direction?

oh goodness, dear reader, you know? oh goodness, oh goodness, oh goodness. i knew this question was going to come. when i set this blog up, i just knew it was only a matter of time. IT'S THE QUESTION TO END ALL QUESTIONS!! it's the question that we've all asked ourselves, our friends and our friends' friends at least once, twice, three different times. if you live in a city, this is a guarantee. 100%. if you live in a small town, omg sorry, i don't know, probably? can't say as i've never lived in a small town before! but to me this question basically sums up the little modern world that i happen to inhabit: is that babe-monster behind the counter smiling at me because he/she is paid to and it just makes their day go faster or is it because i'm fucking special and we're meant to be? it's that we're meant to be.... right?? LIKE BECAUSE HE GAVE ME THAT DAY OLD CROISSANT FOR FREE TODAY SOOOO

why do we all do this? why are counter-cuties so damn near impossible to resist? we must remember that even though, yes, counter-cuties are real people (i think?), they are not the people we imagine them to be. i know, supes crazy, right? we straight up invent them and subscribe all this meaning to them. we turn them into exactly what we want or need. it's just so easy to!! we see them routinely, possibly even daily. they are good looking, weird, tattooed, and smiling. they tell us to have a nice day for fucks sake! they may even remember how we like our coffee or that we are allergic to milk. isn't that pretty much all we want?? isn't that basically all that we are looking for?!? HOW CAN WE NOT FALL IN LOVE???

i myself went through this with a pizza boy last year. he was/is ADORABLE and would always be super pumped when i walked in. like super pumped. he once threw up his hands and tossed napkins in the air like confetti while screaming "yayyyy!!!!" when i walked in. that's sooo pumped! we would talk, flirt, smile, laugh, all of it! do you have any idea how often i prayed that this pizza shop would somehow magically turn into a coffee shop overnight so i could realistically go in everyday? there's only so much pizza a girl can eat on the regs while still maintaining a base level of babetitude. (perfect world = unlimited pizza. real world = once every two weeks? maybe? also, related, the real world sux) once, he saw me nannying some kids in the park and asked me about it the next time i came in. i totally took this once in a lifetime opp and invited him to hang out and non-creepily play games with little boys and me. but guess what - he never came. (surprise?) i also saw him randomly out at the movies but he was with someone and i was with someone and we said 'heyy wassup' but didn't try to like, combine parties or anything. he doesn't work at the pizza shop anymore but he lives in my hood and i see him around enough. we still say hi, talk, seem really jazzed to see each other. we interact way more than it really makes sense for us to in regards to the kind of relationship we have (see: pizza seller/pizza eater). but nothing ever came of it - including my crush. it totally just died out, nbd. i actually just saw him the other night at this new restaurant he works at. he bought me a gingerale, told me about this book he's reading and asked me how my summer went. then his shift was over and we said goodbye. i went back to my friends and he went to a bar. see you later, dude.

the moral of that story is who fucking knows?! that was just my recent experience with a cutie behind the counter. 

so now to you and your specifics. i hate to say this but from the examples you gave it sounds like she is probably just being super nice and sweet to you in the same way that she is probably super nice and sweet to most of her customers. you can only view her from your star-gazed, oozy love eyes. in that position it of course looks like she is smiling more at you specifically. and that's the fun of it all! that's the excitement of going in everyday! you may see her smiling at you as she takes out the trash but can't see her smiling at that other guy as she cleans the latte steamer thing and then at that other dude as she refills the splenda. why would you wanna see that crap?! your friends see it though and they told you so. 

but you know what? i say fuck it, man! because look at the first sentence you wrote: "i want to ask out a girl who works at a cafe" and i say go for it. or you should at least start talking to her more, perhaps break that fourth wall between customer and counter-cutie. the best thing that can happen is that you are presented with an opportunity to ask her to non-creepily play games with little boys and you (or ummm your version of that). the other best thing that can happen is that you realize she's not who you made her out to be and there's no reason to worry anymore. because remember, as i said above, this is a girl you totally invented. i mean, she's real, like she's a human and all, but the girl you think you wanna ask out only exists in your head at the moment, okay? you don't know her for realsies yet. so just be open, get to know her more, ask her questions, smile back, be nice and kind and see where it goes. you have the right idea already. i support you in what you're already doing.

my bottom line is that i would never steer my readers into creep-zone. i just will not play that way. i worked retail before and creepy customers are THE WORST.  they made me wanna puke all over life forever. my readers are awesome and will never not be awesome but we also must be realistic. when we walk into these places, these cuties are all we see. they are front and center. they are behind the counter, waiting, smiling for us. when they see us walk in, we are just like.. customer #56 of the day and once they finish with us they can go have their smoke break. i'm not saying she's def not going to be into you, she very well might be!, but just play it cool in a sweet, open and fun way. that's all. if an opportunity presents itself to ask her to take it outside the coffee shop, go for it. why not?! unless this coffee shop is more important to you than the girl - honestly. that's a real concern. if this goes poorly, you may start to feel real awks here. can you handle that?

WHAT A BUMMER of an answer. i'm sorry! i wish i could just be like OH JUST DO IT, ASK HER OUT TONIGHT AND HAVE A THOUSAND BABIES NAMED AFTER ME but honestly my advice is just to keep doing what you're doing, with maybe a bit more oomph behind it. ask her for a coffee recc or something. make up that you think you may have left a book there last time, did she see it/did someone turn it in? maybe then you can then talk about books. tell her a funny story about something that just happened on your walk over. just keep buying your coffees and being your cutie-customer self and trust that it will unfold in the "right direction." it always does. the "right direction" just may not be how you want it to go, ya dig?


do you think maybe i'm just bitter, though? i mean he threw napkins in the air LIKE CONFETTI, YOU KNOW?!?!,
danielle

dueling schedules, a morning routine

i now have FIVE, count 'em FIVE (5), questions sitting in my inbox!! it's like, lay off people! don't you know i have a day job?!?

jk jk jk this is awesome. life rules at all times. except when dealing with the problem below, but then once i give my advice life rules again (see how that works?) let's get to it!

dear what's yr,

ok here is my problem: my husband and i keep radically different hours. i work regular business hours and he works super late. he likes to come home from work and then stay up really late googling (i assume) all night. i like to go to bed a bit earlier since i have to be up earlier. but, i always end up staying up hours later than i really should since we have fun hanging out and watching tv. this means that in the morning i always over-sleep and don't have time for a nice morning routine. ideally i would like to be getting up early enough for "me time", some writing and meditation, but i'm always too tired and rushing out the door. i try to go to bed earlier, but then my husband is bummed because i bug him about being quiet and turning off the tv so i can sleep etc., and really i want to stay up and hang out with him anyway. i guess i just need more hours in the day. the late night quality hang out time is the only time during the week we see each other and it's important to me, but it's also important to me to have a peaceful relaxed morning. thoughts?

love, anon.

hey anon! that is a totally annoying situation and i can so totally see why you would come to me with it, but can i first just say how adorable you are for oversleeping because you like to stay up late giggling with your hubby?? cutest question i've ever gotten!! (i've gotten like 8). i'll stay naive on the fact that you two are really just giggling watching tv and not going the more carnal route as this is a family-friendly column. (ha! no it's not, send me sex questions I DON'T GIVE A FUCK... but since you didn't mention sex, neither will i. or i won't mention sex again. sex sex sex. okay, i'm donesies for real now.) (sex.)

alright, i have A LOT to say on the topic. surprise! first thing i'm going to throw out is the possibility of either of you changing your hours at work. i know that sounds weird and probably even extreme but in the world today it is so commonplace for people to be able to work mobiley or be allowed to shift the hours from a 9-5 to a 10-6 or 11-7 even. or if you already work non-traditional hours, see if they can be made a bit more traditional. give or take one or two hours can totally change your game up, you know? and even if it's just a few days out of the week! that can help just as much. i just don't see it as a bad thing to ask your employers if it's possible. they say no, they say no! it's just a suggestion (WHAT I DO) and i figured that i would at least put it out there for you to sit with.

if it's not possible, or not desired to do so, let's bring ourselves back into your home and figure out what we can do there to accommodate both the late night fun times and your preferred early morning routine. i was thinking i would recommend a sort of late-night-early-night schedule but i honestly don't think that will work. our lives are big and exciting, right? things happen, things change. you don't want to be like, omg but TONIGHT IS TUESDAY, let's stop having a blast watching old episodes of LOST and playing UNO (my dream night) because it's scheduled that we go to sleep at 10:45pm. or on the flip side, you're passing out exhausted and your husband is like, BUT WIFE, IT'S THURSDAY. GET OUT OF YOUR SLUMBER AND WATCH ME PLAY XBOX. i can just see that not working, causing stress and resentment.

so the only thing i am going to say about how to handle the nights is for you to stand up for your sleep-time more and for your husband to follow your lead and start respecting your need for quiet in this time! we teach people how to treat us. if you start taking your sleep-time seriously, he should follow. if you respect your sleep-time, he should get in line. in this process, you don't have to be mean or angry, just firm. "i need to go to sleep now, please respect. thank you. i love you soo much."

if he doesn't, well, write me again because that's a problem.

also, get a sleepmask if you don't already have one. when i was living with an ex-lover (haha) he would stay up forever googling too (haha x2) and since we lived in a one-bedroom and there was no other room for him to go to, the sleepmask was my savior. i am, however, a super deep sleeper and once i'm out, i'm out. you may not be as awesome as me (haha x3) but i still recommend a sleepmask. it's like a straight up sleepcave in that mofo.

the rest of my response will be about your morning routine because, trust, i know the importance of it. i myself have one that i try to follow as closely as possible. i like to wake up, drink coffee, fall into an internet black-hole, then rush out the door wearing dirty clothes and forgetting to brush my hair. ah, i kid. i like to do the things you mentioned too, like reading, writing, perhaps some meditation. i also trytrytry to make sure i eat a good breakfast. it's true what they say about that shit! but you know what, sometimes i do it all, sometimes i don't do any of it, but i always try to just give myself TIME. just the time to sit staring at the wall in the morning if that's all i can do is crucial to me. there is nothing i hate more than rushing out the door. (i def hate things more like institutionalized racism and sexism but you get it.)

but there is good news!! i think the scientific jury is still out on this, but from my experience morning minutes last longer than regular day and night minutes. weird, right? just another 15/20 mins in the morning can RADICALLY change your shit up. it's magic how long the minutes can last in the morn. those 15 minutes can allow you to write for 10 and meditate for 5. or they can help you drink a coffee, eat some almonds and put mascara on. whatever they do, they help immensely. strive to add just 15, possibly 20 minutes to your morning and you will be rewarded handsomely.

another thing i want to mention is the notion of 'starting your day over at anytime.' maybe you've heard of this before. it's the idea that no matter how you started your day, you can hit re-set and start again. some days when i can't seem to do more in the morning than check facebook and cry, i find that i can sit at 11am and write. i can meditate at 12:30 for ten minutes, or stretch and read for a little at 1pm. yes, a relaxed, self-care filled morning routine is important and in an ideal world we'd each have all the time in the world to do what we wanted to do (and the willingness to follow through) but until we get there, we must find the time when and where we can to take care of ourselves in the ways that matter most to us. so you don't do it all right when you wake up, so what? do it later in the day. it still counts and still helps! these actions don't lose their power after 9am.

you got this! stand up for and respect your sleep sched, add 15 minutes to your morning, and don't discount the notion of self-care lasting all day whenever you can get it. have fun giggling with your husband! oh yeah, and a sleepmask. get that shit like asaps.

eat, pray, sleep,

danielle

convincing a partner

and the hits just keep on comin!!!! are ya'll ready for some AD-VIIIICEEEE?? 

Dear Danielle,
I really, really, really want this fabulous BlueStar cooktop and oven.
I know it costs $4000, but at least it’s cheaper than a Chanel bag, right?
The problem is, how do I convince my partner that it’s something we really need for the apartment we are currently renting?
She wants to wait til we BUY a house, which will be NEVER because I don’t believe in owning real estate.
Help me, Obi Wan, you’re my only hope.

In need of 22,000 BTUs, 
The Bear

hiiii, the bear!! i like your name, but wow. this one is intense! you probably didn't realize just how intense it was when you sent it my way but it opens up so many pandora's boxes behind so many hidden doors behind so many fake bookshelves that i am having a hard time grasping where to start and what to touch.

ok, firstly, i will not touch the money issue! (i will say that 'firstly' is an awesome word, though! like, where did that come from, you know?! i usually just go for the standard 'first things first' but now my whole world may have been changed?! life is so exciting.) $4,000 is like, the weirdest fucking amount ever because it can mean so much for some people and not so much for others. i gather that it is not the craziest amount to you guys as your partner's issues are not about the price per se, but more about when to buy.. so let's forget about the money and move on to this when-to-buy biznass.

but oh shit, the when-to-buy issue is a hidden door!! like it's the most hiddenest door in the darkest hallway of the most abandoned house. so your partner wants to wait for a house that she will never get? i imagine this was discussed before. probably multiple times. i'm sorry but this feels a bit red-flaggish to me! it's like someone telling their partner they never want kids but partner #1 doesn't believe them and thinks that they can just wait it out until partner #2 changes their mind. like all of a sudden one day partner #2 is going to look at those drooling balls of flesh and organs and think, "you know what? i was wrong! i totally do want that to come out of my vagina!" that's not good and also not likely! is this real estate really a dead end for you? if so, does your partner really know this? to me this screams out as the bigger issue than when to get the stove, but who knows - i'm just a registered advice columnist (still, somehow, not a real thing).

your question, though, is about convincing your partner to buy now and i'm here to help, AS I DO. as it seems like you ladies decided that this is something you both do want eventually, it's just all about when's the best time so it's not like you have to sit and tell her how awesome the oven is, how many amazing meals y'all can whip up together on it and so forth. my advice is to have another conversation and offer her the Compromise That Cannot Be Denied! say that if you can get the stove now, you will give up/let her/change/do ______________.  think hard about what this means for you and your partner specifically. make it something that up until now you would never even think of giving up on. something that when your partner hears it, she's all like "oh shit... really???" make her take you seriously! fucking go for the gold of compromise. if you "need" the stove like you say, dig deep!! 

maybe it's something simple like the remote. let your partner decide what to watch for the next six months, year, whatever. or it's the dishes, or the laundry, or walking the dog, or letting her parents stay over, or going here or there for vacation like she wants, or it's giving up closet space....

or maybe it's the the mother of all compromises! you know what this is... you must! maybe if you get your stove now, she gets her house later? are you willing?

also, will you cook for me if this works?

feed my tummy,

danielle