Friday, October 7, 2011

somehow connecting the protests to shoes because that's just where i'm at right now

woah! sorry, readers. i totally just fell into an internet/life k-hole re: #occupywallstreet #ows the past few days and am just waking up out of it all like, is this other life still really happening? what do you mean i have to shower and go to work? i have to feed myself and return phone calls? omg that's so weird and unnecessary in the face of revolution, no? and then i'm all like, yes, danielle, it is necessary because in order to be the best revolutionary-er i can be, i need to restore some balance and sanity into my life and what better way to do that than to answer some questions and give some AD-VIIIIIICCEEEE (as said in oprah's excitement voice aka my favorite voice aka the only voice i need to know that love still exists).

and this one is about a topic that is near and dear to my heart, revolution or not. yes, ladies and gents, IT'S ABOUT SHOES!! i know, i know. what an intro to then talk about something as (seemingly) frivolous as fashion, but honestly, life is really complex and textured and i think that's one of the coolest parts about it! i can care about and be in to many things at once, right? i mean like right now my firefox tabs are as follows: gmail, twitter set to search #ows, ally financial history page because fuck big banks, blogspot, needsupply shoes, madewell boots, zara coats, nymag vulture tv recaps aaaand the hairpin. it's just how it is and i'm not ashamed! i can totally support the rev while reading about tv shows and participating in the fall-boots-hunting season, right?! right!

and what a season it is!! as you can see, i have a few separate tabs for shoes open and that's just where i'm at at the moment. come back in like, ten mins and i'll be on three different ones. fall-boots-hunting season is a real thing that millions of women go through, like menopause or bro-down conversations about how their love for jordan catalano sorta ruined their lives for a while there. we all create these perfect shoes in our minds and then go out into the wild all like SHOW THEM TO ME, STORES!!! PRESENT THEM TO ME ON A GOLDEN PLATTER AND PLACE THEM ON MY TENDERS (um, is tenders even a word for feet or did i just completely make that up?). only they don't totally exist. or they kinda do, but that heel is awkward/that zipper is too zippery/that buckle makes me look fat or whatever. or if they do exist, they are like, a thousand million dollars over our budget. or worst of all, they exist and then only come in suede.

ugh. you see, suede is hell for fall shoes, especially here in NY where the ground is wet literally 96% of the time and only 84% of that time is from natural precipitation. and this is why i imagine my lovely reader sent in the following question:

Have you ever sprayed one of those sealant sprays on a light pair of suede shoes? I want to do this to a pair of my bad boys but I'm too scared to ruin them because they cost so much $? Any tips?

omg. what a seemingly simple question but i gotta say that this one was a little outside my comfort zone. do you know what the number one tenet of being a registered advice columnist is? KNOW YOUR LIMITS. that's right. i had to take a moment to reflect and realized that, shit, i may know a good amount about looking for and shopping for and getting disappointed by and then duct taping shoes, but about actually protecting them from the elements before i wear them? ah, not so much! because as much as i participate in the shoe-shop-mayhem, i either just stay away from suede for this very reason or go the punk as fuck route and just get them wet and ruined all like I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR FABRIC RULES, WORLD! and hey, while we're on the topic, like 87% of your other rules, too, so if you wanna like, talk about it or whatever, lemme know..?

and then the second/third tenets of being a registered advice columnist are to a) never let your readers down and to b) have amazing besties on hand to help fill in your blanks and wouldn't ya know that that's exactly what i did! i sent the question immediately to my best friend, sheela (of touringincarswithboys.blogspot.com fame) and look at this! she knocked it outta the park (duhhhh). without further ado, here's her guest answer!:

let me start by saying how honored i am that i was asked to guest blog for whatsyrproblem. i might not have the answers when it comes to questions related to existential problems and relationships, but shoes? now you're talking my language.
sit back and relax, it's story time.
we've been having quite schizophrenic weather here in new york as of late. last weekend, the sun was shining and the air was crisp. i took this as a sign that it was the perfect opportunity to break out my beautiful new yellow suede shoes (just purchased in london. read: extra special shoes!) several hours later, i was in a bar and it was pouring rain. i tried waiting it out, but it got to the point that that the bar was closing and i had no cash left. i had two options. 1. walk to the train barefoot  2. destroy my beloved shoes. walking barefoot was clearly the more sane option, but as my feet hit the new york city pavement and i spotted a tiny rat run by, i knew it wasn't going to happen. next door to the bar was a falafel shop, where i retrieved two plastic bags, swallowed my pride, wrapped one around each shoe, and walked those 5 blocks with dignity.  (a girl even high-fived me and said she loved my dedication to fashion!) it was a bit slippy and i must have looked completely mental, but my shoes were relatively in tact and i learned a lesson, which i am passing on to you. 
the lesson here is this: NEVER wear fancy shoes without taking the proper precautions, despite what the forecast says. if you want to try and DIY it, i suggest doing a patch test on the shoes with the sealant on a discreet spot (either inside or hidden by laces, bows or buckles perhaps?) to see if it changes the color at all. if all looks ok, follow the instructions on the bottle and go to town.
if you want to play it safe (recommended), bring them to a professional. if you live in new york city, email me back and i can recommend you several wonderful cobblers. may i also suggest, my dear fellow shoe lover, that you have the cobbler add a layer of rubber to the sole before wearing any expensive shoes out in the world. they might not make that fun clickety clack noise when you walk anymore, but they will last you much longer, especially when you live in a city that requires you to walk a lot.
 shoes are a shitty investment because they get destroyed so easily, but they're pretty and make us happy! (aka: worth it.) if you take the proper precautions, i promise yours will have a long, beautiful life, and you will never have to walk anywhere with plastic bags over your feet.
here's to a lifelong weatherproofed love affair between you and your fancy stems!
l'chaim!
-sheela

uhhhhhhhhhhh holy shit, can you tell why she's my best friend?! what an angel. lemme know if you want her e-mail so she can recommend some "cobblers" (lols if she can say cobblers i sure can call feet "tenders") so go on! test out the sealant on your shoes or get them done professionally because suede should not stand in the way of anyone's perfect fall shoes any longer! i now feel like i have to go back and re-look at the thousands of boots i've already looked at without ruling out suede!! how exciting! how liberating! how freeing! how easy for me to now connect this back to the protests by using words like liberating and freeing because for real just because we're revolting a corrupt system it sure as hell doesn't mean we can't look fly doin it. so get those suede shoes waterproofed and then get to the streets. i'll see you there. hollerrrr.

wearing my sunday best whilst fucking the man,
danielle

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