i now have FIVE, count 'em FIVE (5), questions sitting in my inbox!! it's like, lay off people! don't you know i have a day job?!?
jk jk jk this is awesome. life rules at all times. except when dealing with the problem below, but then once i give my advice life rules again (see how that works?) let's get to it!
dear what's yr,
ok here is my problem: my husband and i keep radically different hours. i work regular business hours and he works super late. he likes to come home from work and then stay up really late googling (i assume) all night. i like to go to bed a bit earlier since i have to be up earlier. but, i always end up staying up hours later than i really should since we have fun hanging out and watching tv. this means that in the morning i always over-sleep and don't have time for a nice morning routine. ideally i would like to be getting up early enough for "me time", some writing and meditation, but i'm always too tired and rushing out the door. i try to go to bed earlier, but then my husband is bummed because i bug him about being quiet and turning off the tv so i can sleep etc., and really i want to stay up and hang out with him anyway. i guess i just need more hours in the day. the late night quality hang out time is the only time during the week we see each other and it's important to me, but it's also important to me to have a peaceful relaxed morning. thoughts?
love, anon.
hey anon! that is a totally annoying situation and i can so totally see why you would come to me with it, but can i first just say how adorable you are for oversleeping because you like to stay up late giggling with your hubby?? cutest question i've ever gotten!! (i've gotten like 8). i'll stay naive on the fact that you two are really just giggling watching tv and not going the more carnal route as this is a family-friendly column. (ha! no it's not, send me sex questions I DON'T GIVE A FUCK... but since you didn't mention sex, neither will i. or i won't mention sex again. sex sex sex. okay, i'm donesies for real now.) (sex.)
alright, i have A LOT to say on the topic. surprise! first thing i'm going to throw out is the possibility of either of you changing your hours at work. i know that sounds weird and probably even extreme but in the world today it is so commonplace for people to be able to work mobiley or be allowed to shift the hours from a 9-5 to a 10-6 or 11-7 even. or if you already work non-traditional hours, see if they can be made a bit more traditional. give or take one or two hours can totally change your game up, you know? and even if it's just a few days out of the week! that can help just as much. i just don't see it as a bad thing to ask your employers if it's possible. they say no, they say no! it's just a suggestion (WHAT I DO) and i figured that i would at least put it out there for you to sit with.
if it's not possible, or not desired to do so, let's bring ourselves back into your home and figure out what we can do there to accommodate both the late night fun times and your preferred early morning routine. i was thinking i would recommend a sort of late-night-early-night schedule but i honestly don't think that will work. our lives are big and exciting, right? things happen, things change. you don't want to be like, omg but TONIGHT IS TUESDAY, let's stop having a blast watching old episodes of LOST and playing UNO (my dream night) because it's scheduled that we go to sleep at 10:45pm. or on the flip side, you're passing out exhausted and your husband is like, BUT WIFE, IT'S THURSDAY. GET OUT OF YOUR SLUMBER AND WATCH ME PLAY XBOX. i can just see that not working, causing stress and resentment.
so the only thing i am going to say about how to handle the nights is for you to stand up for your sleep-time more and for your husband to follow your lead and start respecting your need for quiet in this time! we teach people how to treat us. if you start taking your sleep-time seriously, he should follow. if you respect your sleep-time, he should get in line. in this process, you don't have to be mean or angry, just firm. "i need to go to sleep now, please respect. thank you. i love you soo much."
if he doesn't, well, write me again because that's a problem.
also, get a sleepmask if you don't already have one. when i was living with an ex-lover (haha) he would stay up forever googling too (haha x2) and since we lived in a one-bedroom and there was no other room for him to go to, the sleepmask was my savior. i am, however, a super deep sleeper and once i'm out, i'm out. you may not be as awesome as me (haha x3) but i still recommend a sleepmask. it's like a straight up sleepcave in that mofo.
the rest of my response will be about your morning routine because, trust, i know the importance of it. i myself have one that i try to follow as closely as possible. i like to wake up, drink coffee, fall into an internet black-hole, then rush out the door wearing dirty clothes and forgetting to brush my hair. ah, i kid. i like to do the things you mentioned too, like reading, writing, perhaps some meditation. i also trytrytry to make sure i eat a good breakfast. it's true what they say about that shit! but you know what, sometimes i do it all, sometimes i don't do any of it, but i always try to just give myself TIME. just the time to sit staring at the wall in the morning if that's all i can do is crucial to me. there is nothing i hate more than rushing out the door. (i def hate things more like institutionalized racism and sexism but you get it.)
but there is good news!! i think the scientific jury is still out on this, but from my experience morning minutes last longer than regular day and night minutes. weird, right? just another 15/20 mins in the morning can RADICALLY change your shit up. it's magic how long the minutes can last in the morn. those 15 minutes can allow you to write for 10 and meditate for 5. or they can help you drink a coffee, eat some almonds and put mascara on. whatever they do, they help immensely. strive to add just 15, possibly 20 minutes to your morning and you will be rewarded handsomely.
another thing i want to mention is the notion of 'starting your day over at anytime.' maybe you've heard of this before. it's the idea that no matter how you started your day, you can hit re-set and start again. some days when i can't seem to do more in the morning than check facebook and cry, i find that i can sit at 11am and write. i can meditate at 12:30 for ten minutes, or stretch and read for a little at 1pm. yes, a relaxed, self-care filled morning routine is important and in an ideal world we'd each have all the time in the world to do what we wanted to do (and the willingness to follow through) but until we get there, we must find the time when and where we can to take care of ourselves in the ways that matter most to us. so you don't do it all right when you wake up, so what? do it later in the day. it still counts and still helps! these actions don't lose their power after 9am.
you got this! stand up for and respect your sleep sched, add 15 minutes to your morning, and don't discount the notion of self-care lasting all day whenever you can get it. have fun giggling with your husband! oh yeah, and a sleepmask. get that shit like asaps.
eat, pray, sleep,
danielle
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