Tuesday, September 27, 2011

how to get over someone

no time for fancy intros tonight! this is a big one! also, i got two episodes of jersey shore and one project runway to catch up on! (i know.) let's get right down to it:

Dear WYP,

Cool blog. Love the advice. Need some of my own. Here goes: Earlier this year, I made out with one of my oldest friends. A couple of days later, we both admitted to having long-term crushes on each other, then things moved really quickly. We ended up dating for seven months, long distance, and things were great (no fights, no issues, lots of laughs, great sex) until he pulled the plug. He decided he doesn't want to be in a relationship and needs to work on some things. We don't really talk now, which is ok because he's far away but not ok because I do eventually want to be friends again. The problem is, I still have feelings for him. How do I fast-track getting over someone?

FML
hi FML! what a pretty name. i hope it doesn't stand for what i think it stands for (duh of course it does) because we here at WYP headquarters don't believe in such nonsense. we don't fuck lives over here, no matter how sucky a situation may be so let's get that straight, ok? your life shan't be fucked! also, lemme just say hey now! good on you to start off with the compliments!! my readers sure know what i like to hear.

anyway, sad face, i'm sorry! this is a situation most people with hearts (aka most people in general) (not sociopaths) (or total assholes) have been through. we've all been in the place where we just want to stop liking the person we're liking! the like is not serving us anymore and we just want to get it the f over! why is it so haawwdd?? (my long island accent comes out when i emote). i have personally been here many, many, many times befaw thas for damn shaw! (ahh ok, AND ENDS).

so from your point of view there were no issues or fights. i'll just put it out there and try to say as lovingly as possible that this is probably a romanticized version of what went down. maybe you're glossing over some things in your memories (we all do this - it protects us! it's okay until it's not okay anymore, you know?) or maybe this dude didn't let you in until it was too late. the distance may have made it easier for him to do this. regardless, there was probably something goin down, right? i mean, hence the breakup.

i'm just trying to gently break any denial and maybe knock this relationship off of this 'but-it-was-perfect!'-pedestal. denial-breaking and romanticize-smashing are key to moving on. no matter what though, you are here now and you didn't ask my opinion on that noise. you just want to know how to get over him, and that's what i'll try to focus on.

ok. so i occasionally sub in at this little preschool here in brooklyn. it's adorable, tiring and fun and although i'm getting paid to watch and play with and teach these little scrap-a-muffin kids, i usually end up learning something as well (cue music, cheesy smile, side glance and wink at camera). the lesson a couple weeks ago came in the form of this book called "we're going on a bear hunt." i think it's like... a classic? but i had never read it until i read it there and it's all like, this family talking about going on a bear hunt? they never get into the why of it all, but regardless, they just keep getting caught in things like, grass or a river or something and they keep repeating this one part over and over and over again - "we can't go over it, we can't go under it, we've got to go through it!" and i think you know where this is going! my dear reader there is no way around this - the fastest way to get over someone is to just go fucking through it.

first, you must accept honestly where you are. you got broken up with and that sucks. it's okay that this sucks! this is the prototype of a 'this sucks!' situation. this is a dude you had a long-time crush on and then you made out with him. that alone is insanely exciting. then he said the same things back to you and you started dating! wtffff, you know? that's some dreams coming true bs. and to top it all off, from your pov of the whole sitch, things were going along swimmingly until it all of a sudden wasn't and now you're here with a confused and broken heart in your hands all like, wait motherfucker what??

so, accept this and then let yourself grieve this! you just went on a seven month emotional roller-coaster. please don't judge how you feel. let yourself feel it all without beating yourself up over it or telling yourself you should really be feeling this or that. just feel what comes for however long it comes. be sad, lonely, angry, confused, rejected, hurt, powerful, strong, weak, happy, free - whatever! be many things all at the same time! from my experience, these feelings are going to come whether you allow them to or not. it's better to feel them now - truly and soberly - head on and without fear - then let them pop up nine months from now during a drunk dial or eight years from now in a completely different relationship. this is honestly how you move on. you feel your feelings until your feelings are done. have faith that this will not last forever. it may not go as 'fast' as you want - but it willwillwill pass. all things do, right? this is no different. you happen to just be in it now. know that one day you won't be, k? just knowing that fact helps me go through the worst of it.

try to find creative and cathartic ways to get these emotions out, too. writing sad poetry is a cliche for a reason. (love how "cliche for a reason" is now a cliche in and of itself. MINDMELT). no one's gotta see it! you don't gotta go all slam poetry open mic night if you don't wanna (i kinda wanna?). don't be embarrassed, work it out!! write, paint, draw, sing, scream, dance, whateva - own the angst and longing and get it out in a productive way.

another thing to do is to not look at this period as a waste of time but to look at it as a period of growth and of personal understanding (#eatpraylove.) re-frame this time and re-frame it positively! use this time to see how you work! like, how you work as a person. like, how you as a person works. watch yourself lovingly and patiently go through this like you're a scientist doing some experiment. you will learn so much! "oh, and there's the 8th time today i checked his facebook. interesting how uninteresting it is after the 5th go-around." "oh, ok. still fantasizing about that one conversation we had that one time that made me sorta happy." "oops! and here's another dude in my bed." "and here i am eating my third chocolate cake of the night." "oh wow, MARK IT DOWN! i'm actually able to sit and watch tv without crying tonight. pass me more cake!" whatever happens, just passively watch and learn about yourself - your ways of handling grief, loss, sadness, etc. it's actually a kinda fun and interesting thing to do if you're able to do it without judgement. loving yourself through it is so key it hurts (until it doesn't hurt anymore.) the lessons you'll pick up during this time will be so valuable! huzzayy! you can see what things you like and what things you may want to change in the future. it's like emotional maturity level 301 with a kind, lighthearted pop quiz next thursday.

and you know i gotta say this - please let go of the notion of becoming friends with him again. it really may not happen and i'd hate for you to be heartbroken over that too. i'm sure you know things have gone and done changed. you're not just old friends anymore- you're ex-lovers now. it's a whole new ballgame. (one where apparently i use the term 'ex-lovers' completely un-ironically.)

if you are able to reconnect in a friends-only way, prepare yourself that it most likely will be a different brand of friendship than the one it was before you dated. just know that there are a thousand different varieties of friendships out there and you will def be tasting a new kind with him (what? ew). from my experience, you gotta let there be a lot of good ol' fashioned healing time in there first (so be grateful for this time of little-to-no communication!! it is needed) and you gotta be totally open-armed to a new chapter in the relay, however it may unfold. you may not be super close, you may not want to talk about certain things, you may still feel feelings! just make sure to take actions that value yourself and to let go of the results.

okay!! you got this, girl. e-mail me your slam poetry if you want. i'll just be here watching snookie, wondering how she would have answered this question. (answer: GTL + smush, duh),
danielle FORLIFE

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