so yesterday afternoon, a mere four seconds after i set up this blog, i posted on facebook that i was now a registered advice columnist (not a real thing) and received some questions in the form of facebook comments! how exciting and modern. one of them was from my brother. how sweet and basic human relations!
here's his question:
My sister never answer her phones or calls me back, she's usually really busy shredding and tearing shit up, but I just don't know what to do anymore!! HELPP
my answer:
omg what a doozy! your sister sounds really awesome (and probably super pretty), but it also sounds like she is so busy being awesome that she may have forgotten that some of the base line levels of awesome-being is showing up for the people in her life, not taking their love and their time for granted, and always at some point returning their phone calls or texts because it's really not that hard and can mean so much. or, in the reverse, that not returning a phone call or a text can hurt and cause worry, pain, sadness or resentment. who wants that?? i'm sure your sister does not!
let me give you the view from the other side. i was once one of those people who didn't call other people back! WHAT?! I KNOW! there was a dark time in my life where the thought of answering the phone brought on such insane fear in me. my voicemail inbox was filled constantly because i couldn't bring myself to listen to the messages. "what do these people want from me??" i would think as i hid my phone under my pillow or threw it across the room (gently, because please..)
the guilt became overwhelming. it piles on itself and multiplies. the people calling get upset that you are not calling them back and you feel guilty for not calling back so you start to resent the people calling. it feels like you will never get through this.
but guess what? it's totally possible to get through this. i did! all i had to do was... start calling the people back. I KNOW. i'll wait while you put your melted face back together into something acceptable. i just took a deep breath and made the connection. i apologized if needed (it was needed.) i didn't lie or offer excuses, i was honest with why it took me a while to call. important to note: people fucking dig honesty. honesty makes people go apeshit, i swear. i made an effort. they felt better and so did i. i learned that it's better to call someone back late, than to not call them back at all. i'm obviously not perfect at this, i obviously still forget or delay a call-back, but then i try again. i make the call, i apologize, am honest, and we take it from there..
for the phone dodgers, this can also apply to bill collectors or banks or other annoying mofos who call you constantly to talk about all sorts of anxiety-inducing bs. just talk to them. i swear it helps. avoiding calls just makes your chest feel weird. avoiding calls just makes it harder to breathe. you take the call and try to work it out and you'll feel okay. not only will you feel okay, you will BE okay.
but omg, that was so not yr question. i wonder whose side i understand more (i think it's your sister's..) and so, my advice to you, brother of this really awesome (and obviously really intimidatingly super pretty) sister, is to do what you just did: make another contact, humorously, and remind her how awesome you are too. please be patient as she works out her own shit. human relationships and communications are really intense. they cause some of our worst defects to come out, but keep trying if you want, let go and give space if you can't handle it anymore. accept that it really has more to do with her shit than with you, because you so totally rule.
but seriously, she'll call you back later today.
xo,
danielle
ADORABLE
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